Divorce is a scream. A scream of one ignited by the unhappiness of the other one looking for salve elsewhere instead of within the two as promised before the reverend in the time when the two joyously united to each other, together.
That’s the problem with divorce.
Marriage requires both to permit it.
Divorce thuds into one’s life. One decides for the two without permission.
Too bad, so sad. Bye. Sayonara. I don’t love ya anymore, so you see I gotta leave you destitute, alone in your injury, no help from me to get better. Cause you’re not. Going to get better.
I’ve seen the left behind be catatonic from the thud, from the other one changing their entire life into a single one, without therapeutic attempt to rejoin, in a different home, with diminished finances, alone. I didn’t go catatonic. I had a brain injury. My affect screamed awake. Then shut off, and in doing so saved me. No, divorce was the least of my problems, and I wasn’t going to deal with it. I was too moved by his commitment to his in-sickness marriage vow. I was too much in awe of his love surrounding me, his sense of responsibility from being the driver in the multi-car crash that severely injured me. So much love and commitment he had to leave me. So I told my husband, the one who abhorred paperwork and left me to deal with all the legal papers and accounts, that if he wanted a divorce, he had to file for it. And pay for it.
I rolled on in my brain injury recovery. I filed away the divorce paper when it arrived years later. And continued on in my recovery. How does one celebrate a divorce? How does one mourn a divorce? Was his mother happy? Did she approve he remarried, a Catholic this time without any weird ethnic background and not coming from the big bad city of Toronto? His father was tickled pink, he of the psychopathic mind who revelled in pitting one loved one against another. Am I better off without a man who when the going got tough, grabbed the pricey artwork and ran then manipulated out of paying spousal support while improving his financial status? His parents sure raised him right.
That first night after he left, with my dog by my side who understood love, I felt better. It’s hell to be with another who blames you for his state of mind, who whines, “I’m happy when I’m away from you.” Yeah, that’s what happens when you can escape a problem. Unlike me. Wherever I go, the brain injury goes with me.
He saw only the problem, he saw no solution. He knew I’d had a brain injury. Didn’t pretend it didn’t exist. He called my psychiatrist and psychologist to, what?, complain? They refused to tell me what he said; I didn’t need to be burdened. They were sympathetic and protective of me. He didn’t once attend rehab with me, talk to the therapists, work with me to get better. Why would he when he and everyone who loved me so much could predict my future with deadly accuracy: a burden. Not better.
It’s been over a decade. Time to treat myself as a single. By choice.