Yet with a lot of effort, I was able to briefly recall and use enough of my old neuro knowledge to write on the hypothalamus a few years ago. Still, it cost me so much in energy it’s not often I can do that. And I couldn’t retain what came out of my own head. The weirdness and irony of that! Blogging isn’t just for others; it’s also to remind me of what I know deep in the recesses of my mind.

So last week I asked my brain biofeedback trainer a question about the seizure chapter Dr. Lynda Thompson had given me to read. She suggested I bring the chapter with me to discuss today. I did.

After some wrestling between the tDCS unit and my hair preventing electrical conduction, we got the unit stimulating my Wernicke’s Area (language and integration), and I flipped to the Mechanisms section of the chapter (I think Dr. Thompson had told me to skip that part, but you know me, I like a challenge plus something about GABA had jumped out at me, and that’s what I wanted to discuss). Using the finger under the line method of reading, I read out a bit at a time, at the same time saying what I thought it meant.

I began with the anatomical part under discussion, and to my surprise I remembered the Latin terms and so was able to locate where the ventrobasal nuclei is in the thalamus. Having my trainer — just like good teachers used to do for us in school — confirming or correcting my memory and interpretations boosted my confidence. I began to feel less hesitant and more competent as I proceeded through the section explaining the SMR and polarization link between the ventrobasal nuclei and thalamic reticular nucleus. And then I had to recall the first bit of info of the section in order to connect the GABA part to the SMR part. Total mind blank. Soooo typical after brain injury when trying to learn.

So back I flipped to the start of the section; I read out the relevant sentence and talked my way into connecting the end with the beginning. It took a couple of tries, and I did remember that rephrasing a new piece of knowledge helps to encode it. I hesitate to say cement it in my head because holding on to new knowledge feels like grasping mist.

Anyway, learning neuroscience like that — talking it through and then interpreting and adding to my old knowledge with someone who knows the subject while a tDCS is stimulating activity in the language integration of my brain — felt good.

(Large sponge on right shoulder is the ground. Smaller sponge at Wernicke’s Area over left ear and behind a bit is the active part that stimulates brain activity underneath it. Both need to be wet to conduct the weak 2mAmp current through my skull into my brain. For some reason, the device wouldn’t work this week without the sponges being thoroughly soaked, dripping)

In the end, the client was late, and there would’ve been time to do it all anyway. But five minutes of deep breathing is not my fave thing to do, so all good. My breathing rate was excellent during all the training screens as it is pretty much automatic. See brain biofeedback screen, begin to breathe rhythmically and deeply.

Dr. Lynda Thompson had given me a copy of her chapter on neurofeedback for epilepsy, and I’d read it last week at a quiet café because I would do anything not to be at home. Straining the brain on anatomy and neuroscience while drinking coffee seemed like the ideal way to stay out. Today, during tDCS, I talked to my trainer about the chapter and about one detail about GABA in particular that jumped out at me. She was unable to answer my question on that, but I learnt an awful lot about all sorts of other things on biofeedback training, about how one is certified, and who at the ADD Centre is (all and only the senior trainers are because you need work experience and to be supervised, never mind all the reading, including Dr.Thompson’s book, before you can sit the accreditation exam). I’ll need to remember to bring my copy next week so we can go over all the scientific details that my memory was no match for.

In the last few days, I began to wonder if my listening skills were improving. I decided to test them out during brain biofeedback this week, specifically during the tDCS portion.

I had talked to Dr. Lynda Thompson and had (re-)learnt that Wernicke’s Area is involved in integration of language, in understanding what you read and hear so that you know what you want to say and can link that to what you heard. If you can hear and understand better, then it’s easier to know what you want to say and more obvious to you how to link your part of the conversation to theirs. (The expression of that is done by Broca’s Area in the frontal lobes, so that has to work too to actually speak.)

In addition, I have a great deal of trouble understanding the other in a conversation when they cover up their face, especially their mouth, because they’re hiding the non-verbal part of language. I must rely on the gestural, prosody, and and facial expressions parts of language much more than pre-brain injury because my ability to understand spoken words is so lousy. I also unconsciously lip read, which helps me focus and so sink into the conversation better.

By talking during the tDCS, I’m using conversational networks, the ones involved in spoken communication, and so the tDCS stimulates them. And that’s probably why the first time I conversed with my trainer during tDCS (instead of reading during it), I didn’t have to “warm up” later that day to a group conversation. That usually entails listening for awhile then pulling hard out of my blank mind what I want say. For once though, on that day, I was able to plunge right into the conversation — I heard and generated related thoughts in real time — rather like a normal person.

So I thought if Wernicke’s Area is about hearing, then if I tried to actively listen, maybe that would help repair my listening skills.

I decided I needed to face my trainer fully during our conversation to pick up on all that non-verbal language. I didn’t expect the rather powerful connection that created and found it a bit overwhelming. Also, at first, it was effort-full to say the least. The problem I finally realized was that I was putting my focus on listening itself instead of on the content of what my trainer was saying. Focussing on content instead of on the act of listening makes listening easier. But that means you also have to have some modicum of curiosity — no curiosity equals lots and lots of effort to stay connected. Little curiosity and bad focus post-brain injury means listening ability sucks majorly. So you need to have your attention and curiosity treated to some extent before trying to listen. Mine have been.

Anyway, I relaxed into the conversation, remembering to listen more than talk, trying to also recall my old listening skills which included relating to what the other is saying. That felt effort-full too! But I guess it’s like riding a bike again. If you focus too much on the act of riding, you’ll fall off. When you focus on where you want to go, you’re a bit wobbly at first, but eventually muscle memory kicks in and after a little practice (or maybe a lot with respect to cognitive skills) it comes back.

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Twice a week.

After every session, I sucked back ginger ale to try and get glucose fast to my exhausted, starving brain while wondering how I was going to get home. Would I be able to get off the train at my stop, I was so tired and at times dizzy? Would I be able to walk home sans collapsing? And was I throwing money away as everyone said? It was hell.

I gained weight because I had no energy to cook properly and subsisted on frozen foods and chocolate and my twice-weekly pop suck-backs.

So there I am re-experiencing that hellish past, looking at the present HRV screen, watching my sympathetic system fire up in response to this PTSD moment, unable to stop the cascade of memory experience — until I remembered to recite the Lord’s Prayer. I’ve known it since I was 6, and it’s a ritualistic series of words that are comforting in their familiarity even if I don’t care about the meaning in that moment. Slowly, slowly, by saying the same words over and over in my head the flashback stopped. But boy did it want to return and take me over again. But I was able to finish the brain training flashback free.

While I was writing in SMIRB at the end of brain biofeedback, I realized I couldn’t shove away what happened like I had the previous few times it had occurred during sessions in the last couple of months or so. This one was too powerful. This time I had to tell my trainer.

She connected up some recent events and situation to why the flashback rose up and took over today. I felt less crazy and, importantly, supported. You see, it always pays to tell the professionals stuff even when you don’t want to with every fibre of your being.

It’s going to be a long year.

There I am having a good virtual bowling session when click, zip, the screens go blank. Luckily, I’m familiar with power outages and computers having hairies. So I remained calm, and we were able to troubleshoot and get the computer revved up again. But oh boy, my trainer hadn’t saved, and I hadn’t bugged her in eons about that. We loaded Excel: was the data there? Yes! Excel had done automatic backups. Oh. But only up to the assessment. Arghhhhh! Fortunately the trainer had saved the missing results in the biofeedback software. She’ll just have to extract and copy them over.

Unfortunately for me, I had to redo the first brain biofeedback screen. I’m not sure how far I was into it. Maybe halfway. Arghhhhh.

As I got to the one-minute mark in the redo and not having as good a “run” as the first time, I thought: this is the sort of situation akin to when our Olympics athletes fall, crash, lose a qualifier or first run, and get rattled for the next one. But this Olympics our Canadians are doing something unusual: they are getting back up and are unrattled.

So why not me?

After all, I’m being trained on the same software as the athletes were for the mental part of their Games performance. I readjusted my mental game, and I was back in the groove, the power failure and trashing of my first results behind me. Sweet.

This is why I find the Olympics inspiring. Extraordinary people performing stupendous athletic feats that have lessons for us ordinary folk. From them, we Canadians can aspire to be confident, to stake a claim on the mountain of achievement and be proud of doing so. And so can people with brain injury.

Anyway, at least my muscle tension was back down below 2. Not talking and talking for awhile before we began probably helped, and also because of my three-day weekend migraine, I’d been throwing all my muscle tension-reducing strategies at it to try and get it to go away.

To ensure talking doesn’t affect the EMG, the trainer waits for about 30 seconds of calm and quiet before starting a training screen if we’ve been yakking and laughing. Laughter is good.

There’s nothing much I can do about the sources of my wandering, ruminating mind, but the brain biofeedback can. By reducing those brainwave frequencies, it puts you into a calmer state, better able to focus. And being able to focus on one thing, instead of grazing over many things, helps one feel better and think clearer. That is a more effective antidote to the shit in my life.

My trainer thinks I’m doing really well given all the crap; most people would be on the couch, with what I’m dealing with. I pondered that, and I suppose that makes me feel not so much that I’ve given up. As she said, my brain hasn’t quit. And as long as those billions of neurons haven’t quit and continue to get me off the couch and out the door, then there is hope. I hope.

After assessment comes the usual five-minute HRV screen. My heart rate started at a pretty decent 101. I had some bradycardia during HRV (down to 42) and the first training screen. But after that all good, and my heart rate dropped steadily after the initial uptick that deep-breathing work during the HRV screen always brings.

The first biofeedback training screen was easy. So, so much easier than training gamma, that’s for sure. My trainer said, yeah, gamma is the hardest brainwave to train. S’truth. As I watched the virtual bowling ball move down its virtual wood lane, I began to notice rather sharply and clearly its shadow and reflection on the wood. I became rather fascinated with all the details I began to see. I often watch the pins rise and consciously follow their movement during brain training. But now I saw details like the shadows I normally don’t perceive *at the same time* as their movement.

Second screen should’ve been a breeze then right? Nope. My right shoulder, being the seatbelt-injured one is probably the tensest part of my body. And the tension in it rose as I began to fight this feeling of cotton wool being stuffed into my head, making me want to nap, during the maze screen. I completed only one circuit through the maze as my progress stuttered and mostly stopped in the second screen.

The last screen was also a familiar one: three sailing boats racing in garish lanes. Since EMG was not being tracked, at least that didn’t halt my little boat’s sail along its lane. But busy brain was more active than theta-delta and started to gain on the SMR boat. I beat it though. Ideally, theta-beta and busy brain boats, being the inhibited frequencies, would not move at all. And during my gamma training as I became proficient at a particular location, the inhibited-frequencies boats wouldn’t move. I’m back to the beginning though. So will take awhile to get back to that ability.

I finished up with 10 minutes of SMIRB. Writing woke me up.

C4 busy brain is involved in the stirring up of my memories, and the C4 beta spindles plus low healthy problem solving in the affecting of my motivation. Apparently problem solving beta waves give a person the motivation, the enthusiasm to do the work or get tasks done, to get up and go I guess. Hopefully then training 13-16Hz with its hint of those brainwaves will get me unstuck or be part of that. And the SMR, as is its wont all over the brain, will lead to calm, focused attention, the enemy of busy brain.

It’s good to be back at the ADD Centre in Toronto.

Some of the points they made puzzled me because as a person with a brain injury they didn’t quite fit. One point in particular bothered me: the experts stated that the unconscious mind makes decisions for us, that although we may feel that our consciousness does, the decisions are in fact made before we become aware of them, that the only way the conscious mind influences decisionmaking is if we challenge our decision consciously and in a different environment.

The experts also said that the cerebral cortex, the seat of conscious awareness, consumes as much energy as all our muscles whereas the unconscious mind consumes little energy. In addition, the conscious brain processes slower than the unconscious. Thus if we used our conscious mind solely and for everything we do, like brush our teeth, make decisions, play basketball, walk, find a mate, we would be slow and make mistakes. Sound familiar?

I have had my evoke potentials tested, and we have seen that my neurons fire quicker than average. Thus my unconscious mind should be working at normal or faster speed.

Take all that together, and I think . . . hmmm.

As a person with a brain injury, I cannot make decisions. With the help of various people and through trial and error, I have come up with strategies to make decisions. For example, these days, I buy only two apples at the grocery store. I don’t think about it; I just find two. If I had to decide on how many to buy each week, depending on what was in my fridge, what I felt like eating, and so on, I’d stand there for at least five minutes . . . maybe ten . . . maybe give up . . . before I chose my apples. Grocery shopping could take awhile. With major decisions like whether or not to buy an iPad, I use a decision tool or a couple of them. I have to think consciously about each step and each question in that tool, although filling in some of the answers may involve my unconscious mind.

My experience is not an isolated one. It seems that somehow brain injury makes the unconscious mind stop driving the conscious mind, and forces us to rely heavily or solely on the conscious mind. Until recently, I had to even think about walking. It didn’t feel like I was thinking with my conscious mind about how to move my legs until I no longer had to, because I’d become so used to it.

If the theories about the unconscious mind are true, then it seems that either the unconscious mind no longer talks to the conscious mind or the conscious mind no longer listens or the unconscious mind isn’t the driver of those of us with brain injury so much as it’s the seat of all learned behaviour and with brain injury we need to learn all over again. How much we have to re-learn depends on the extent of the injury and the kinds of and which memories remain intact. Perhaps too, although long-term memories may remain intact, our connections to them are damaged, and so they drive us in ways we are not aware of and force us to make an effort to understand. Sometimes they may drive us insane, as in PTSD. As one of the panellists stated, this part of the unconscious mind can be tapped through hypnosis and either given back to us or changed so that they are no longer “in charge.” Is that true for people with damaged brains too?

Watch The Agenda episode below on Unlocking the Unconscious and answer this: how do you think your unconscious mind works in you? Do you think you’re still connected to it? Do you think your conscious mind has to do all the work, if you have a brain injury? What are some ways we could tap into our unconscious mind? We’ll discuss these questions on #ABIchat on 27 January 2014 at 4:00 pm EST.

Brain injury can obliviate your affect. Every now and then some neurons may short circuit and fire and your affect will rise like a wounded lion. Then it will disappear again. The idea of affect consumes your mind, as in this is weird, where did it go, why can’t I feel, will I feel again.

With treatment, yes, you will. But affect becomes fickle. Affect will disappear on a whim or it will go off in unexpected directions. You never quite know how you’ll feel; you never know if you’ll be able to laugh with others or not; you never know how you’ll react to unexpected situations (which for me are often crappy though I try to talk about and reminisce the less-frequent good situations to drown the crappy ones). And trauma adds its own fun dimension to the latter.

Trauma changes you so that you can’t trust, and the dates of your trauma become imprinted in your body such that you never know how the anniversary(ies) will affect you. One year, you’re fine. Your affect ticks along in happy mode except for the day itself and maybe a few before. Other years, you’re in bed with a man cold for a month or you develop a weird skin thing for three months or you land in the ER.

After a decade, and now coming up to 14 years for me, you get the sense that people are a tad tired of your affect diving around the time of your anniversary. This reminds me of someone I knew before my brain injury. This person had a particular issue stemming from childhood and that was also a current problem for them. Invariably our conversations would turn to this issue. At first, I tried to advise after I listened awhile, as I’m wont to do. But after a couple of years, I realized that the person was stuck, they weren’t for whatever reason able to resolve or come to terms with their insolvable situation, and all they needed was for me to listen. So I did. On my bad days, I’d get a bit impatient but tried to keep that to myself. The problem I had wasn’t listening to the repeating track this person was stuck on but other people’s reactions to me listening. They wanted me to break it off; they said there was no point, this person was too needy. Yeah. So what? The critical ones may not have been as needy in their own minds, but they leaned on my listening talent as much as the needy person did. At the time, I could handle it. I had the empathy and patience and concentration to listen. It didn’t cost me to listen but time. And I could manage time so that these conversations didn’t affect my own deadlines or work or other relationships (other than I was on the phone when others wanted to talk to me, like right now). Except for people who hold down multiple jobs, time can be managed if you choose to learn how. Listening is a mindset as much as a skill.

The neediness of this person became a problem after my injury. I lost all those skills and talents, and “I” was gone while still being physically present. And from the first anniversary of the injury on almost everyone left as a result, one by one, and they continue to do so. After all, now I’m supposed to be better, right? Isn’t that what all these treatments are supposed to do: make me normal, able to function fully independently? But the expectation of me from the beginning was that I would hurry up and get better, be positive, look on the bright side, get over myself, move on — pick your favourite deny-reality phrase so that the needy person (me) will shut up already and stop rocking the reluctant listener’s comfy boat or requiring unending help. So when I hear those same kinds of reactions today — even the look-how-much-you’ve-improved (like I don’t know) cheering up kind — I hear them echoing from the past into the present. Affect killed in the past now that it’s alive again demands to be felt. And on anniversary days or in anniversary weeks or months, trauma adds its own clangour call, and all you want to do is emote it and be heard.

I get that people have an innate desire to cheer up their fellow humans and often that comes in the form of trying to get them to stop “whining” and to focus on gratitude moments, but sometimes, paradoxically, the best way to cheer a person up in the midst of trauma and/or also in an anniversary week, is to listen and empathize and perhaps share similar experiences and show small gestures of kindness, for as long as it takes. Kindnesses go a long, long way. Then call their therapist or doctor up and tell them to up their game.

A lot of these I’d read before because they are published in other books of hers. For that reason, if you haven’t read Christie’s short stories featuring Poirot, then this is a good book or ebook to read. But if you have, you’ll be flipping through the book a lot…unless you’ve read her shorts once a long time ago or like to reread familiar stories over and over.

The one interesting addition to familiar material is seeing where they were originally published. And there were a few stories I hadn’t read before and enjoyed getting to know.



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A standard ADD treatment for a kid takes 60 hours, an adult with ADD longer, and someone with Asperger’s over 200. Sometimes, one just keeps going even when one doesn’t need it because the brain is always improving. And I think when you spend so much time with your trainer, you don’t want to give up the contact just because your treatment has come to an end. That’s what it was like at the end of my first 2 years: I couldn’t afford it anymore, financially or physically, but it was bittersweet having to say goodbye. I’m so glad I was able to return.

Complex cases will always take longer than something simple like ADD, simple because it’s one problem not a multitude of problems from injuries all over the brain like with me. And so I’ll probably exceed 200 hours when’s all said and done.

Today was the last day at these settings for PZ gamma training. The ADD Centre is reviewing my mini-assessment and hopefully connecting with my neurodoc to decide which area is most important to treat next. So much to choose from! 2014 will fittingly begin with a new protocol. I’d like to start now and skip the holidays, but, sigh, everyone needs downtime. And Christmas is not a downer for everybody.

What I learnt:

Medication is the main modality used to treat mental illness: Ritalin, Prozac, Abilify, Clozaril, etc.

Retraining brainwaves is my main modality: beta brainwaves, high alpha, gamma, etc.

More and more, I hear patients being concerned about medications or medicine in pill form, how they are used, and how they are abused by physicians as a way to not see patients regularly. A person I follow tweeted this video by Jonny Benjamin:

Although I disagree with his idea that the pharmaceutical industry is using drugs to numb the masses*, he is bang on in the rest of the video. Side effects or negative effects are a huge issue for most kinds of medications, psychoactive or not, yet too many physicians dismiss these concerns – to their patients’ peril. (Some don’t.) Patients suffering from negative effects will either doctor shop to go off the drugs or stop them on their own; or they will stay on, and gradually the negative effects will become worse than the mental illness. I chronicled my own decision to get off atenolol, without telling my doctor, because of the increasing number of problems that had made my life hellish. We don’t tell our doctors because we know doctors will not listen to us and will argue with us until we feel defeated. We feel we have no choice but to do it on our own.

This got me to thinking about the idea that we can only treat the brain via a neurochemical modality. Physicians have gotten into a rut of thinking that the only way to treat the brain is via chemicals that affect neurotransmitters or other chemical interactions in the brain. The pill is the modality; the ingredients in the pill are the specific action of treatment.

The pill modality leads to both beneficial and negative effects because it’s like a blunderbuss. The chemicals go everywhere in the brain and the body, not just in the injured or malfunctioning area of the brain.

But the brain – our entire body actually – is also an electrical organ. The brain produces brainwaves. While neurotransmitters work locally in the synapses between neurons, brainwaves are generated along the axons of single neurons or as synchronized activity among many neurons. They are still not fully understood, but then neither are neurotransmitters and physicians and pharmaceutical companies have no problem blindly playing with those. Brainwaves can be associated with particular neurotransmitters; hence, my experimentation with gamma enhancement brain biofeedback. In other words, one can potentially increase a desired neurotransmitter, not through direct chemical interaction, but through enhancing a particular brainwave in a particular region of the brain.

In this way of treating, brain biofeedback is the modality; the targetted brainwaves and electrode placements are the specific action of treatment.

There is also an additional modality: direct stimulation of the brain via tDCS (transcranial direct current stimulation). The specific action of treatment is the time, current, and location on the scalp.

The brain biofeedback and tDCS modalities have pretty much only beneficial effects (dizziness and an itchy scalp the only brief negative effects AFAIK) because they’re like darts. The only parts of the brain targetted lie directly beneath the tiny electrodes or tDCS sponge.

I have observed the relative merits of these two modalities in my life. I have met people with brain injury who were functioning at a much higher level than me and did so for years. But they were being treated via the pill modality. After I re-started brain biofeedback for gamma enhancement, I flew past them and am now functioning better than they are. This is not fair, that I have been able to do this and that they are not aware of the biofeedback modality or do not have access to it.

We need to challenge our physicians, to kick them out of their rigid mindset that the only action of treatment is chemical or heavy duty electrical like ECT or surgical, so that we can advance the healing of mental illness and brain injury and improve the quality and functionality of our lives.

———————–

*It may look like numbing the masses, but I believe it’s more about a rigid mindset that cannot conceive of other ways of treating the human body and doesn’t like being made uncomfortable through being forced to think differently. And for the industries involved, there’s a profit motivation to also turn healthy variability in the human condition into diseases needing pills.

My trainer has tried out gamma training on herself and discovered it’s hard. Heh. Yup, gamma won’t budge, so you try hard, and muscle tension increases. As muscle tension goes up, gamma goes up, but that’s not the way you want to increase it. You want to reduce the interfering effect of muscle tension. So up gamma while lowering muscle. Phew. But her gamma waves are higher than mine. Yeah, I know, I have a brain injury, she does not. Don't compare, blah, blah, blah. Sigh. Such a long way I’ve come, such a long way to go.

And that brings me to…

I wish all my health care people would talk to each other so that when the ADD Centre re-assesses me, they not only have the data they've collected on my brain and what I tell them about my symptoms, but they also have the considered observations and opinions of the others involved in my care as to what they see as needing work on. But for that to happen, I have to make a huge effort each and every time to get the communication going. I don't have that kind of energy. The injury that most needs a case manager — or at least the willingness of professionals to talk to each other regularly without me nudging them — is brain injury. I had more help in this regard when I had just a severe whiplash back in the 1990s. Sigh.

And that brings me to…

Shireen was a reader. I am not. I came to this realization at 10:25 am Tuesday morning. A reader devours books and ebooks, magazines and newspapers and e-letters, blogs and social media messages and emails and cereal box blurbs in both languages. I do none of those things. I only devour Tweets with any regularity, and I force myself to read some of the rest because that’s what I’m supposed to do: read. I have spent almost 14 years trying to become like Shireen again, trying to reclaim the reader that I was, trying to find behavioural, psychological, and physiological help. Only the latter has been given to me in some measure persistently. The first two have sometimes started but have quickly petered out, with people who at first soon expecting me to continue on my own. But I cannot do it on my own. So at 10:25am I gave up. I quit trying to be her, the voracious reader. I'm going to go be sick now.

I wonder sometimes if somehow enhancing gamma potentiates alpha waves and maybe the 15-18Hz problem-solving beta waves. I wonder too which alpha waves gamma “assists” the most. I see gamma as connecting all the brainwaves together like a thread that weaves through them all then raises them up. I think the de-stressing effect isn’t just about and because of improving mood but also because you perceive and literally see better, because you feel coherent and not like a bunch of fractured pieces, and because your thinking flows easier. I recalled a name today without any effort whatsoever, without any need to think consciously, to deliberately reach into my memory and haul it out. I had this sense of amazement that when asked, there it was. That’s gamma. Yes, beta works on memory and attention and problem solving, but the qualia* of it — the raw feel — is totally different from gamma. Gamma is the essence of confident competence and wholeness of person.

—–

*Qualia is a word I learnt about 13 months ago during my philosophy of mind class. I had a lot of trouble learning the word and what it meant and remembering it. I relied on the iPad and philosophy dictionary to remind me constantly. Even when I was doing my metaphysics course this past Fall, I recognized the word but had much trouble comprehending it and recalling both the word itself and its meaning. But mere minutes after my gamma training , in the moment of writing this post, there it was: the word and its definition. And I wrote it and understood it as easily as the words that came before and after it. I don’t know about you, but I’m blown away.

I was off to an auspicious start. It helped that the National Novel Writing Month folks have really amped up the pep talks, Twitter coaching, online sprints, encouraging emails — I mean, we were positively inundated in a really, really good way. But it wasn’t enough. My motivation hadn’t returned, and I found myself reluctant to write. Fortunately, for me, life had dropped out of a maritime blue sky a fellow brain injury survivor who’s a trained life coach who made her mission to cheer me on. Every time I flagged, she was there to discuss the novel, me, NaNoWriMo, whatever, and wind me up again. From her, I received daily ecards, and with her astute questions, I figured out what was wrong with the ending and what I needed it to be. And finally, on the last day, the story came together and wrapped itself up, and suddenly, I was done. Phew.

I blogged occasionally on Google+, as is my wont. Herewith are the posts:

November 1

So I’m off. I don’t normally start NaNoWriMo right at midnight. But I wasn’t sure I’d get a chance to write my first novelling words during normal, sane hours of the day, and hey, it’s good to launch with everyone else at the stroke of 12:00am in my time zone! I’d been waiting all Halloween day since I woke up and saw Christmas Island start their first NaNoWriMo word sprint.

So I got 710 words written, went to update my word count, but the spiffy new NaNoWriMo website had moved the word count entry field. Argh! Where’d they put it??!! Oh. Nope they didn’t move it, they reset the time zone to PST. Pesky defaults! All good now. http://nanowrimo.org/participants/shireenj/novels/divorce-times-marriage/stats

November 2

Day two of NaNoWriMo, and I’m behind in word count. On the plus side, I wrote more than the daily allotted number today, which bodes well for the next few days, right?

I’ve introduced a character that was only implied in the radio play, which means he has no name. And my mind was not up to coming up with one on the spot as I wrote in his character. So I called him the “director.” Maybe I should capitalize it, turn it into a noun name. 1,920 words today, 2,640 words so far for “Divorce Times Marriage.”

http://nanowrimo.org/participants/shireenj/novels

November 4

I wrote just over 2,000 words today for NaNoWriMo. I’m almost caught up to the daily word count. Almost. A lot of dialogue in today’s scene. Yesterday, I was wondering if I had a handle on Cherry’s character because she seemed to be morphing from how she was in my head back when I wrote the original radio play to something different today. Then I realized that I’m adding on a layer rather than changing her outright, making her less of caricature or one-note character. Gerald’s turn will come, I’m sure. But he’s such a strong character in my head, he doesn’t need tweaking. Heh.

November 5

I was almost caught up, and then today, I wrote a short chapter. I began in third person, but luckily had only written a paragraph or two when I remembered that these particular interior scenes are in first person. I went back and edited (a big NaNoWriMo no-no — one must never edit, but I had to in this case!). And once I was in first person, the words come more easily. This is definitely the right point of view for these scenes with Gerald talking to you.

I’m up to 7,622 words, ahead of some of my NaNoWriMo writing buddies, behind others. Smack in the middle is OK, but it’s more fun when I’m leading the pack. Heh.

November 7

After not writing yesterday, I cracked the 2000-word barrier today. Phew. Still behind in the word count though. I’m not sure I could’ve written anymore. My character did a lot of yelling and then the exhaustion of it overtook her — and me too. #nanowrimo is doing a writing marathon on Saturday. I may join in, for a part anyway, so as to finally, finally get caught up. Been behind since day one!

November 8

Big scene at the shrink’s today in my #nanowrimo novel Divorce Times Marriage. Went a long way to making up for my low word count so far. I’m almost near where I should be — again. Cherry didn’t have much to say during this session; she mostly hid behind her hair. I find having long, or at least not too short, hair comes in handy, but it was hard trying to describe the fall of her hair and how she hid behind it without using “tell” words. Gerald, though, had lots to say. On and on. The shrink’s response was suitably rewarding. I like an active shrink!

A beefy 2,800 words or so today! Over 12,000 words this month so far!!

November 9

Today was NaNoWriMo’s NaNoThon day. I typed 3,727 words and upped my word count above where I’m supposed to be. I was hoping to type more, but I had to catch up on my coursework as well. I know, I know, we’re not supposed to have any other commitments during the novelling month, but I couldn’t resist! Anyway, it was fun being part of this planetary writing marathon while I could join in. It’s a definite keeper of an idea!

November 15

The #nanowrimo week-two-three doldrums officially dragged me down this week. But I saw the Toronto ML’s video in my Google+ feed and clicked on it to watch. You must too! Especially if you’re questioning whether you can write or want to write or if NaNoWriMo is for you. Or you just need a laugh and a non-Rob Ford thing to laugh over.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/+ErrolElumir/posts/eswxRbmNLqD

So I watched that, opened Scrivener, and got down to the business. And boy, did I write. I blew past all my previous daily word counts. I’m behind again in where I should be, but not as badly as I would’ve been if I’d written what I normally have this month. Phew. This is why NaNoWriMo is so great — the huge swell of support that buoys you up and pushes you along when you hit those discouraging still, windless waters.

http://nanowrimo.org/participants/shireenj/novels/divorce-times-marriage/stats

November 16

It’s my birthday, and this song keeps playing in my head:

http://youtu.be/hMb1wPfE1Iw

But #nanowrimo comes first! The writing must always come first, isn’t that what they say? Heh. So as the sun shone onto me, I ignored it and typed away on my computer until I reached the halfway point of this month of novelling, although I didn’t know it was the halfway point. I just knew it was the end of today’s chapter and found out I’d passed the 25k mark when I clicked on Project Stats in Scrivener.

I’m getting used to Scrivener. I think I’ve fully transitioned from writing my novels in WordPerfect to writing them in Scrivener. I know there are many features of this software that I don’t use yet, but for distraction-free writing, I got it down pat.

I keep forgetting to change my POV from third person to first when I get to a Gerald-only chapter. Then when it dawns on me, a loud ARRGGHHH fills the room, before I have to go back and tediously replace all the “he”s with “I”s. And that’s when I notice — once again — what a difference it makes which POV I write in when I do a Gerald scene. Gerald’s thoughts and emotions come alive in my mind when I switch to first person in a way that third doesn’t do. Anyway, Gerald’s time is done for the day, and it’s my turn to have some fun (not that Gerald was having fun, oh no, he was in agony).

25,474 words total so far.

http://nanowrimo.org/participants/shireenj/novels/divorce-times-marriage

November 21

I’ve fallen off the #nanowrimo bandwagon. I blame my metaphysics course, making me think about reality, write about free will. But that’s all done. And after I passed out from the effort, had a pep talk, read a pep talk, looked at Errol’s nanotoon, watched Scrivener go belly up on me, restart it, I finally began writing again. And that’s when I saw I hadn’t quite finished my last chapter. I thought I had, but I hadn’t really, not based on where the plot was going in the radio play I’m basing the novel on. I didn’t want to touch the last chapter. So I made a bit of a switch-up in my structure and added a new chapter. Now the chapter I was going to work on will have to wait until tomorrow.

I wrote almost 1900 words today, exceeding the daily quota but not enough to catch up from three lost days. I need another #nanothon !

November 23

OMG. After three stints of #nanowrimo writing today, after typing up a storm during each stint, I’m 1000 words short of 40k. Argh!! So close. On the other hand, I am on target now. At last!

I’ve begun writing chapters contrasting Cherry and Gerald’s activities that are happening at the same time. I’m not sure how long I’ll continue that. Maybe once more.

November 28

Holy cow. I look up from typing, click Project Statistics in Scrivener, and I’ve passed the 50k mark. How’d that happen? When’d that happen? Well, today, I know, but it seemed like I was forever catching up and then all of a sudden: bam. I won.

I won the word count part (not officially yet though). Now I have to finish my novel. I have another seven chapters to go and three days to write them in. Hoo boy.

November 30

Oh yeah. I did it. I did it! LOL! I just validated my novel and was instantly taken to the NaNoWriMo winner’s page where the “Huzzah!” video played. It’s simple, short, and amazingly uplifting and rewarding to watch that video of people you don’t know personally congratulating you. Whoot!

I made it to 50k and beyond. Even more importantly, I finished the story, and I’m finally feeling that the ending is right. I’ll probably tweak the last few lines, maybe add in more dialogue, but the tone of it, the conclusion of it, at long last works for me. And if it works for me, then hopefully it’ll work for readers too (although I’m not sure when I’ll post it into the searching spotlight of the public, always a nerve-wracking, tricky thing to do).

I wrote the entire novel in Scrivener. It went off in a different direction in the last several chapters from the original radio play I wrote in 2012 during ScriptFrenzy. And for once, I managed to keep updating my outline in the Index Card app as I went (oh, um, I forgot — gotta update the last two chapters and delete a couple…anywhoo). And I found the Scrivener NaNoWriMo obfuscation compile template so that I could quickly and easily validate my manuscript on the NaNoWriMo website.

I’m now done. I’m finding that hard to believe. Wow. Done. Gotta let that sink in.

I’m feeling rather at loose ends, like, what now? Well, celebrate with some chocolate, of course. And then peruse the winner’s page to see what the goodies are. And oh yeah, update my BiblioCrunch annual membership. That is one winner’s goody from last year that more than paid itself out to me. Best one ever!

Official word count: 59,345.

I’ve been in a bit of a blogging funk lately. At the same time, I’ve told lots of people about the neurofeedback I do, but it’s hard to visualize. So to perk me up and give you a glimpse of what I see, me and my trainer videotaped my brainwaves in the PZ position (brainwaves look different at different locations) as I sat still or tried to make a virtual bowling ball move, and then I created a “movie trailer” in iMovie from the clips. The gamma-enhancement session didn’t go as well as usual cause my muscle tension went up — though my heart rate dropped into the 90s (woot!) — and we had a blast. I had my trainer in stitches, and I haven’t laughed so much or hard over so many hours since my injury as I did this day. Enjoy!

After talking to fellow indie writers on Twitter, I posted Aban’s Accension on Wattpad for feedback. The response was overwhelming, and I was particularly affected by readers who shared how Aban’s story affected them. I’m pleased to say that by the end of 2013, it is professionally edited and out in paperback, ePub, and Kindle.



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I think: yes, Houston, we have a solution! This one will bring my heart rate down permanently. This is it! And then my heart goes, bwahahahahaha!!!

Sigh.

Heart rate is back up in to the 120s, with a touch of bradycardia this week. With writing and reading after four super-gamma-producing HRV and neurofeedback screens, we brought it down to 110. Still too high though.

I give up.

I think I'll just go lie down on the couch like one of those ancient Romans and dip strawberries into molten chocolate all day long.

Sigh.

Since I began laser therapy for my painful muscles injured way back in 2000, my heart rate has droppede, despite continuing high stress. Turns out, that drop could be because the deep, penetrative laser on my neck affects the cerebrospinal fluid, increasing its flow. Better flow = brain working better. (Though why I see the brain effect mostly on my heart rate, I don’t know.) We’re finally seeing the beat rate in the low 100s. Mind you, my GP took it and my blood pressure with his fancy, automatic machine and declared 118 high. I almost choked. When it was in the 120s or 130s, it got little attention, but now it's high?! Doctors are weird.

Seriously though, my GP is a good guy, and he took the time to commiserate with me about the suckage of being diabetic again. He encouraged me to feel that since I normalized my blood sugar once, I could do it again. I am only 3kg away from where I achieved it last time. I suppose. My athletic therapist and other professionals treating me all expressed surprise I was diabetic again because my weight doesn't compute with having type II diabetes (I'm not big enough). It strengthens in my mind that my brain injury is responsible. I may have the gene, but under normal circumstances, I would still need lots more poundage on me to trigger it. And I'm not that bad an eater. My fatigue is my biggest enemy. How can I cook my own meals when I don't have the energy, when my muscles refuse to obey me from central fatigue not fatigue from working hard and activating muscle cells is an act of will so intense there are too many days I just don't have it? How do I remain healthy on prepared foods?

One strategy I'd forgotten (or was so zonked I couldn't even do it) is to add frozen veg to prepared food, frozen or takeout, to bulk it up so that feel satiated.

On the plus side, my appetite has been normalizing after LORETA neurofeedback. It was returning to normal even with gamma enhancement. But I think the LORETA accelerated that process, and spontaneous healing of my appetite is continuing. (After biofeedback treatments are over, spontaneous healing continues, at least it did and is for me. It's like the treatments kickstart a cascading effect of regeneration.)

Anyway, though it should be easy, I don't know how I'll lose such a tiny amount of weight, but with doctors and therapists having faith in me, I feel a tiny glimmer of hope that I will.

It’s been awhile since the last book came out in the Cardinal series, and I wanted to see what happened to him after those tragic events when I saw Crime Machine ebook in the library. But I must say: Blunt has quite the gruesome imagination. I wondered at one point if I wanted to continue reading Crime Machine. I did because I wanted to see the “why” of the events, to see what would happen to the characters in jeopardy, and to see how long it would take Cardinal to solve the crime. In the end, the motivation for the murder(s) was explained; yet it kind of felt…strange, like it wasn’t quite plausible. I suppose that was maybe because the original event was not explained satisfactorily. In the context of the plot, it couldn’t be, tis true that, and so it’s up to the reader to decide, to think it through. But as vivid as my imagination can get, I wasn’t able to make it make sense. And frankly, maybe I wasn’t in the right head space in the context of my own life. Perhaps if I was reading it on a quiet Sunday afternoon, I’d have come at it from a different perspective and thus be more open to thinking through the motivation. In any case, I’m not sure if I want to continue reading this series, even if I do love the Canadian context and settings. I’ll think on it!



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Boy, is this ever a different kind of Nero Wolfe book. There’s no brownstone, barely any fine cooking, no orchids, and most amazing of all, Wolfe is out and about. The book is set in Montana, so Wolfe having to travel is a given. But it’s fun to read how Wolfe conducts himself and copes with this unexpected turn of events.

Archie Goodwin really comes into his own here, and we get a deeper glimpse into his private life than we normally would. A thoroughly enjoyable read for Goodwin fans like me.



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I’m pretty sure I read this book already, but I enjoyed reading it again. I like how Connelly brings in the protagonist of his other series and creates tension in the reader to see when the lawyer will figure out the cop, how much longer it will take the lawyer than the reader.

This series is good escapist fare. I’ve placed a hold on the next book in the series at the library already.



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Two weeks in a row, I wrote and then updated:

It really is nice being able to see letters, images, and colours on my iPod sharper after gamma brainwave biofeedback. I just wish the effect would last, and brain fatigue wouldn't turn things blurry.

I was fatigued after last week’s and this week’s session ["last week" and "this week" are now three and two weeks ago], but the training effect on my vision and perception held for awhile. I was aware of my surroundings in the way of how I used to be aware in the periphery while reading or listening to music and I didn't go sailing past my stop while drafting this post on my iPod; it was the second week in a row that I felt able to type while walking (tsk). Didn't do it though!

I was fatigued more than usual afterwards last week because I read for 15 minutes! Holy cow. I usually read for five.

In the usual way of things, I begin my biofeedback session with reading while my Wernicke’s area is being stimulated for 7 minutes, and I end with 5 minutes of reading while I'm connected to the computer via electrodes on the PZ area of my skull, on my thumb for heart, my finger for temperature, and belt for breathing.

I'd asked previously that, since I've begun my metaphysics course, if I could continue reading for a little while after my session was over so as to be under the immediate influence of training sans any deleterious effects of taking the TTC (my trainer alternates clients in different rooms so that while one is getting ready to leave, she can set the next one up, so no worries about holding up the next client). That was to start last week, but since she began to set the next client up as soon as she began the reading screen for me and that turned into 15 minutes, it sort of incorporated my extra reading into my reading biofeedback screen (this week it was as we’d intended; still needed a nap). That turned out better for me because I was receiving auditory feedback during the whole of my philosophy reading. The auditory feedback is like a white noise. As long as the gamma sailboat is chugging along and the busy brain and 16-19Hz sailboats are stalled on their virtual seas, the noise buzzes. That means whenever I heard it, I was producing gamma brainwaves while not falling into rumination or producing beta spindles. I heard it a lot. This was good. Also, my trainer crowed as soon as she saw my results. My muscle tension was low. Well, I said I was sitting still and upright, the biofeedback training position, reading a computer screen, wouldn't it be low like during the three-minute training screens? No! You were reading, she said, as if that explained it. Well, it was hard stuff. I did have to take a break by reading easy stuff, then I was able to return to reading the intro to the philosopher Quine. Still, I was physically still! Maybe, that’s the point: when reading, our bodies unconsciously work out what we’re reading. I don't know. I meant to ask for clarification this week but was consumed by my dying cell phone and iPod Touch (cell battery lasted years longer than the iPod but both decided to tank at same time).

My heart rate was 10 beats per minute lower than the previous week and ten beats lower again this week and so five minutes of writing got it down to the teens as in 118. And this week, five minutes got it down to 109. Relief! I hope this time the effect is permanent and keeps dropping my heart rate to normal territory!!

I did read a few minutes longer last week after she unhooked me from the computer to finish up something. I gulped down some water, demolished my snack bar, and was ready for coffee and food both last week and this. I'm not sure why but I'm much hungrier after my gamma sessions than I have been in a long time. Oh yeah, new location, new brain area being woken up. Well, duh.

Question:
‘Is a red rose red in the dark?’ : Do you think that things retain their colours in the dark, but we can’t see them? Or do things only have colour when light is shining on them?

Answer:
From science, we know colour is a function of elements, biochemical compounds, chemical interactions, refraction of light, and so on. But the perception of colour depends upon light and the senses to perceive it. Also different wavelengths of light can distort our perception of the colour inherent in a thing. So I would say that things retain that which produces colour, but we can’t see them without light and without the correct makeup of rods and cones in our retinas and a healthy visual cortex.

Anna Pigeon is always beaten up so much, one would think she’d be permanently concussed, bruised, and broken. But she’s made in the style of 1970s’ male TV action heroes: gets a lickin and keeps on bouncing back up, albeit limping.

I like this series for its sticking to one viewpoint, not bouncing around between villain and heroine, which I find takes me right out of the story. I also like the slightly anti-social heroine, and the way she sets about solving a mystery or two. And I particularly like how this series introduces the reader to a different park and a different environment in every book in the series. In this one, it’s caves. I got a bit lost in the details, but I certainly had no trouble envisioning the darkness and claustrophobia of the caves Barr describes.

Publishers do this anti-reader thing of not supplying series in order or all of the published books to date, starting from the beginning, to libraries. Very annoying. And so since I wanted to read another Anna Pigeon book, I had to skip two in the series as the Toronto Public Library didn’t have them in stock in their ebook collection. It’s not so bad skipping a book or two in a series like Poirot by Agatha Christie, but Nevada Barr doesn’t keep her heroine static; Anna Pigeon grows and matures and changes throughout the series. Miss a book, and you miss a part of her life. Luckily, I seemed to have missed only one small thread of her story, and it didn’t impede my thorough enjoyment of another adventure in Anna’s life.



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Borrowed the ebook from the library. Whizzed through it during my staycation, rolling my eyes for some part of it. You see, I thought he was a bit of a twit at first. But Jance is a skillful writer who knows how to draw a reader into the characters. She turned my antipathy and rolling eyes into sympathy and understanding, as well, as harpooning my cynicism. Ahem.

This book was written awhile ago, and I found the need to find payphones and people not being instantly accessible or not having access to Google or specialized searching, a little disconcerting. I had to check the copyright page (1985/1995/2002) to see what era we were in because, other than those details, it read modern! A good beginning to this series, and it left me wanting more.



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I acquired this awhile ago, maybe during Toronto’s Word on the Street when publishers have those last-minute fire sales before the festival ends. It’s been sitting on my bookshelf for ages, but the time came that I needed a break from gritty modern-day British crime and to snooze awhile in 19th century Toronto.

Well, okay, I didn’t snooze. But this book isn’t gritty or realistic either in the sense that everything must be depressing and dour and all despair and cocked up. Instead, it has suspense, romance, history, adventure, and interesting characters. The romance part is central. The protagonist of this tale Isaac Harris is a true white knight. He lost his love to another man, but when she goes missing, he’s the one who hares off searching for her. His search takes us travelling north, south, east, and west of Toronto and into all manner of modern-19th-century conveyances. His conflicts give us a hint of politics pre-Confederation style. And the characters cover every strata of society. Some of the characters, in fact, are so well drawn, that I had to find out if they were real, based on real people. Nope. But they continued to seem like real.

Death in the Age of Steam is a good romp, as they say. My only objection to this book is the exposition. I know, I know, exposition is very 19th century. But this was written in the 21st century for 21st-century readers. We get bored. Fast. Exposition is good and needed at times, but is not so hot when dialogue suddenly turns into exposition. It confuses the reader as well as deflating the conflict or emotion between characters that the dialogue had been creating. The exposition-instead-of-dialogue got entirely too much, and I have to admit, I skipped a few bits just so that I could get back to the action. But all in all a good tale with a good ending. Definitely liked the ending!



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I'd taken a week off and felt good for it, and so I decided it was time to move the electrode to PZ from PZ-O1. The ADD Centre had scheduled to do it awhile ago, but I was not ready. Now I was.

With the change of location came a change in frequencies to inhibit: 16-19Hz.

I was a bit confused because I had thought those were problem-solving beta frequencies. They are, though 19-20 can be associated with anxiety. But it's not the frequencies per se that are the problem; it's that they are spindling.

As far as I understand it, beta spindles look different than regular beta waves. Regular ones are smooth. The same frequencies that are spindling look like tangled twine doing sudden jack-in-the-box hops. They want to untangle the 16-19 frequencies and smooth them out.

It was weird doing the first biofeedback screen. It felt like my mind was trying to herd cats in getting my brain to reduce 16-19 spindling, enhance gamma, and drop muscle tension.

The second screen went better. The screen is a maze. As it plays, dots appear to show the route through the maze till you get to the end, where the dots disappear and you start at the beginning again. The music is upbeat, and I found the dots and music pulled my brain along. And I did better. The other thing I noticed probably because I'd had the week break was that my mind no longer has to direct my brain in which direction the dots should appear in order for the dots to appear and the music to play. And it has been awhile since it’s had to.

Writing and reading at the end of the session brought my heart rate down to 127. And, as well, five minutes of reading my metaphysics textbook, for my upcoming course, at PZ achieved the only gamma/EMG ratio above 1.0 for the session. Actually, for once, changing electrode location didn't result in my ratio dropping back down into the 0.80s — maybe because it was not that big a change. Or maybe because my brain overall is producing more gamma. (I also read during the seven minutes of transcranial direct current stimulation that begins the session, a minute longer than in my last appointment.)

It was weird getting back into my appointment routine. I had to keep answering myself as to where I was going, which side of the train I would exit, which end of the train I needed to be when I got off at Lawrence subway station. I had no idea what time it was and didn't check like I usually do. I was still in vacation mode I guess. But though that usually means I'll be late, weirdly I was early. I think the TTC running normally and frequently saved my bacon. Ah, the benefits of the entire city going back to work.

The rating should be a 4, but I was thinking more about the act of reading than reading the book itself. Let me explain.

I had this conversation, not the first, with several members of my brain health care team who said it’s not normal to read a book in one day, that that’s unusual. Really?! Before my brain injury, I’d take out three of these kinds of books — mystery or Star Trek, mass paperback, usually longer than a Rex Stout book — per week, five if I could get away with it, and read one in a day, about two hours, less for a book like Please Pass the Guilt, more for a PD James mystery. I’d often read a book like this in one go, or maybe I’d take it with me when I went out and read it on the TTC, while waiting, while eating alone, even on the escalator or walking, and it was not usual for me to take longer than a day to finish it. I absolutely know I’m not the only one — one day I saw three women on one escalator, noses in their ebooks or paperbacks. I see more and more men reading trade paperbacks on the subway too.

So I downloaded Please Pass the Guilt from the library onto my Sony Reader and made myself finish reading it in one day.

The best part of reading Please Pass the Guilt was spending time with Archie. Being the narrator, Archie is more present in one’s mind than Nero is. I learnt a few new things about Archie and the running of Nero’s household, and I liked the nuanced change, if temporary, in the relationship between Nero and Inspector Cramer.

The worst part was the act of reading. Because my brain injury harmed my reading ability a great deal — and even though we’ve been focussing treatment on healing the damaged systems involved in reading — it was not easy. First off, reading fatigues me. I had to keep taking breaks to recharge. It reminded me that if such an easy-to-read book as one by Rex Stout saps my energy, then I still have someway to go to be able to read at my old level without needing a nap or three. Then I had a hard time staying engaged — the more tired one is, the harder it is. Plus reading outside naturally means distractions — squirrels, far-off conversations, sounds of an air show. And then there were the usual-for-me-now keeping track of characters, dates (and Rex Stout makes it soooo easy to know what day it is), but at least not plot . . . although the solution made no sense to me. I think my brain must’ve been fried at that point. I shall have to reread it at a slower, broken-up pace so that I can keep up with Archie’s narration and revelation of the motive.

I timed my reading because I always do in order to track my reading progress. It took me just shy of three hours to read this book (I wonder if reading a mass paperback version would’ve taken me longer or the same time . . .). So about 1.5 times longer than my old normal. Since in the early years after my brain injury, it took me longer than 21 days to read a mystery mass paperback and hardly absorb one word of it and would cause me to incur library fines, hence me stopping borrowing books, that’s pretty good. Wish it was better though. (The year it took me a year to read a short non-fiction book liberally sprinkled with illustrations is the year I stopped reading altogether until I found and began treatment for my brain injury.)

I used to solve mysteries before the end, and always loved to see how quickly I could do it. Now I don’t, before the end or even a few times understand them at the end. I’ve gotten used to that big change, but maybe if I can leap the hurdles of reading a short, easy mystery in one day, I shall set the next goal as solving the mystery before the author reveals it, even if it’s only a sentence before.



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