Drive, initiation, motivation are three aspects of our human-ness I didn't think much about, except for drive, till after my brain injury.
Rehab talked about brain injury inducing a loss of motivation; learned articles acknowledged there’s such a thing as initiation deficit post-brain injury. But the one thing my father talked about a lot (ok, endlessly till I wanted to, well did, roll my eyes), rehab and other medical professionals didn't address much: drive.
Sometimes various health care professionals would comment I had a lot. But that was about it.
For me, before my brain injury, drive was ambition. After injury, drive was desperation. I was desperate to think again, to feel normally, to be able to keep up with life —
in short, to get out of the injury hell hole.
The last few months, that desperation has been slipping away; maybe for more than a year it has, I don't know exactly, as it’s been a stealthy retreat. But I would say it's gone now, maybe a thin, mild sliver left. Desperation could be construed as ambition to get better. And so if that is gone (why is it gone since I’m not better?), what should take its place? And yet while what some see as drive in me is ebbing, in the last few weeks, my initiation has been sparking to life on and off because of the stimulus of the LORETA neurofeedback treatments. One would think with initiation comes drive, comes that thing that gets you up and moving. But I don't think so, for I can initiate after LORETA to blog but I have no sense of that part of me for which injustice mattered enough to get angry about, to get me to rise up to fight and write. Drive I think is part of that. And maybe motivation. How is LORETA neurofeedback and gamma brainwave biofeedback affecting these? Are they affecting me the way I would like? Is it too early to know?
And so I am thinking I have to think about these three things that get us as a species and as individuals to grow, advance, improve —
think and do — about what each of these three things’ role is, and about how they differ so that I can understand what the hell is happening to me.